I Can’t Think of a Title

 For those of you looking for closure, my insomnia is letting up. Basically, over two nights I get about five hours of sleep.Which isn’t great, but it’s enough to keep me from losing my mind. I’m not sure why I called that “closure”. Apparently I assume that’s how it’s going to be from now on.

I don’t know what this says about my mental state, but I put my friend Becky in charge of letting people know if I get coronavirus. My sister tells her and then she has contact information for everybody who would need to know. It sounds morbid. I mean, it is morbid. But I have some far-off friends who wouldn’t necessarily know if anything happened. It makes me feel a little better. 

But man, depression has been kicking my ass the last week or so. I mean, it’s been an issue for a while, hence this sporadically updated blog. It’s just really kicked into high gear. I’m in a place right now where I’m super aware of everything that’s wrong with me and the terrible self-esteem, my old friend, is just smothering me. On some level, I really want to talk to somebody who cares about me and just admit all the things I feel right now, but the last thing I want is to be a burden. I’m turning into my grandmother who had a stroke during Thanksgiving dinner but didn’t indicate any distress because she didn’t want to ruin a holiday. 

I need somebody to care but I’m already backing away from some of the people who mean the most to me because my dumb brain won’t stop telling me all the reasons that they shouldn’t care about me and I should go before they realize all these things. And just because I consciously understand that’s what’s happening and it’s the depression talking rather than anything rooted in reality, it doesn’t matter. I still need to get away from those people before I disappoint them. I know that, in the real world, if I could just be honest, it would be OK. But I can’t figure out how to do that. It sucks to feel myself making the wrong decision but not being able to reverse course.

This isn’t insightful or funny enough to be a worthwhile post but spelling it out might help me get my head straight. It hasn’t so far, but one of these times it has to click. Right?

I’ll try to be funny next time.

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