A Nice Thing That Happened
“I'm going to get around to talking about a nice thing this time. But to get there, I have to talk about how depression flattens out your emotions. It's not really like you're sad all the time, even though I that's my short hand. I feel things less than I used to. It's like that Ren & Stimpy episode where Stimpy just keeps repeating "I don't care" in a frankly hilarious monotone. It's all kind of flat.
Side note - mentioning Ren & Stimpy reminded me of this recent thing that's been happening where I've been looking up creators I was really into in the Nineties and seeing what they're up to and it's always a game of "Sex Creep / MAGA/ Dead", because they all seem to be one the three. John Kricfalusi? Sex creep. Bob Burden? MAGA. Mark E. Rogers? Dead. It's always a depressing game with a bad outcome.
Anyway, this is kind of turning me off of things that I enjoy. The depression, not the sidenote. Because I won't enjoy it as much now and that feels like a waste of something good. I haven't watched Doom Patrol in a couple of weeks and, guys, I love the Doom Patrol. It's a TV show that somehow exists despite being aimed exclusively at me. But an episode that was utterly delightful and I would have loved a month ago just kind of hit me as "fine", and I don't want to lose a season of Doom Patrol to this nonsense. But also, there's a chance that watching Doom Patrol could make me happy, so who even knows?
I might have mentioned this before, but I don't want to talk to the people I care about right now. I don't want to tell them I'm having problems because why would they stick around if now I'm just a lot of extra work? That's probably not true and definitely not fair, but once that idea gets in my head, it really sticks and I can't lose it. A friend (who will come up again in a bit) said this is common thing with comedians. And it's beyond generous to call me a comedian - even when I am literally in the act of performing comedy I can still be best described as "the man on stage right now". Even so, a lot of the pieces are still there.
Most of my local real-life day-to-day friends don't use social media at all, so they'll never know about this. Some friends have seen the blog because I linked it on my social media like a dope. I've had a website for 13 years - I'm going to link a thing I write just based on muscle memory. And I'll do the same again this time even though I know I shouldn't. I don't learn. Point is, some people have been very kind and gracious and reached out to me, but it kind of feels like they caught me masturbating and I'm not sure what to do with that.
But I have this friend. And I'll be vague when I reference anybody who's actually on social media because they don't need any of this. My weird local friends, crap, I can talk about them. Like this blog's title comes from the time I told my friend Rachael about my emotional involvement with something (none of your business) and she said she was proud of me for starting to have feelings like a real live boy. That's when you know your friends have nicknames for you that you've never heard.
I'm rambling. Point is, I'm trying to be vague when alluding to anybody who uses Twitter. I have this friend I haven't known for a super long time but I know I can trust her implicitly. And so I admitted that I'm really struggling and I'm a disaster and all and you know what happened? Kindness and support. Love. She didn't make me feel bad or dumb or try to explain that my feelings were wrong. Just listened and responded in exactly the way that I hoped somebody would respond. And you know what? It felt good. Not in the flattened out way that I'm getting used to. It felt like somebody cares.
I've been terrified of testing that theory and maybe driving somebody away, and this isn't going to lead me to suddenly opening up to more people. Let's not get crazy. But it turns out that somebody is there for me even when it isn't easy and it finally feels like there's some light getting in. It's not like I'm suddenly fixed or anything, but the thing I'm afraid of didn't happen and there's a life preserver at least. I don't know why I'm suddenly alluding to some kind of nautical metaphor that I hadn't referenced previously, but it's not like I'm doing second drafts on these things.
And if my friend reads this, I will possibly die of embarrassment, but hopefully they'll also know how much that meant to me. I can only imagine how normal people who don't have crippling trust issues feel. Do they feel this way all the time? Because that seems like it'd be better than drugs!
Side note - mentioning Ren & Stimpy reminded me of this recent thing that's been happening where I've been looking up creators I was really into in the Nineties and seeing what they're up to and it's always a game of "Sex Creep / MAGA/ Dead", because they all seem to be one the three. John Kricfalusi? Sex creep. Bob Burden? MAGA. Mark E. Rogers? Dead. It's always a depressing game with a bad outcome.
Anyway, this is kind of turning me off of things that I enjoy. The depression, not the sidenote. Because I won't enjoy it as much now and that feels like a waste of something good. I haven't watched Doom Patrol in a couple of weeks and, guys, I love the Doom Patrol. It's a TV show that somehow exists despite being aimed exclusively at me. But an episode that was utterly delightful and I would have loved a month ago just kind of hit me as "fine", and I don't want to lose a season of Doom Patrol to this nonsense. But also, there's a chance that watching Doom Patrol could make me happy, so who even knows?
I might have mentioned this before, but I don't want to talk to the people I care about right now. I don't want to tell them I'm having problems because why would they stick around if now I'm just a lot of extra work? That's probably not true and definitely not fair, but once that idea gets in my head, it really sticks and I can't lose it. A friend (who will come up again in a bit) said this is common thing with comedians. And it's beyond generous to call me a comedian - even when I am literally in the act of performing comedy I can still be best described as "the man on stage right now". Even so, a lot of the pieces are still there.
Most of my local real-life day-to-day friends don't use social media at all, so they'll never know about this. Some friends have seen the blog because I linked it on my social media like a dope. I've had a website for 13 years - I'm going to link a thing I write just based on muscle memory. And I'll do the same again this time even though I know I shouldn't. I don't learn. Point is, some people have been very kind and gracious and reached out to me, but it kind of feels like they caught me masturbating and I'm not sure what to do with that.
But I have this friend. And I'll be vague when I reference anybody who's actually on social media because they don't need any of this. My weird local friends, crap, I can talk about them. Like this blog's title comes from the time I told my friend Rachael about my emotional involvement with something (none of your business) and she said she was proud of me for starting to have feelings like a real live boy. That's when you know your friends have nicknames for you that you've never heard.
I'm rambling. Point is, I'm trying to be vague when alluding to anybody who uses Twitter. I have this friend I haven't known for a super long time but I know I can trust her implicitly. And so I admitted that I'm really struggling and I'm a disaster and all and you know what happened? Kindness and support. Love. She didn't make me feel bad or dumb or try to explain that my feelings were wrong. Just listened and responded in exactly the way that I hoped somebody would respond. And you know what? It felt good. Not in the flattened out way that I'm getting used to. It felt like somebody cares.
I've been terrified of testing that theory and maybe driving somebody away, and this isn't going to lead me to suddenly opening up to more people. Let's not get crazy. But it turns out that somebody is there for me even when it isn't easy and it finally feels like there's some light getting in. It's not like I'm suddenly fixed or anything, but the thing I'm afraid of didn't happen and there's a life preserver at least. I don't know why I'm suddenly alluding to some kind of nautical metaphor that I hadn't referenced previously, but it's not like I'm doing second drafts on these things.
And if my friend reads this, I will possibly die of embarrassment, but hopefully they'll also know how much that meant to me. I can only imagine how normal people who don't have crippling trust issues feel. Do they feel this way all the time? Because that seems like it'd be better than drugs!
Comments
Post a Comment