Checking in with Some Positives
Haven't done this in a while, but I've been working on an actual project that's taking a lot of time and keeping me occupied. Short version is I'm turning a TV pilot script that got some good response but did not result in me making a TV show into a podcast. I'm going to do eight episodes in the first season and we can't really record until people can be in the same room, but I'm going to have scripts ready.
And that's been a positive thing because it's fun and because I've wanted to tell this story for a long time. Plus, my friends are willing to do voices and it'll be a good time. My friend Summer made some beautiful art for it that I love so much - it's the lock screen on my phone now and sometimes I look at it and think that somebody I care about was inspired to make actual art by my weird premise and I feel a whole range of emotions. Sam just finished the theme song and it's perfect. These people are so damn talented and I'm lucky that they not only put up with me but are willing to lend their skills to my dream project. I've got some pretty dope friends.
More on that in bit, but first we'll cover insomnia because that's what you're here for. I've settled down into a schedule where I get a few hours every other night. I know that's not especially healthy and those nights when I don't sleep are horrible, but overall it's something I can live with. We're taking the small wins where we can get them.
Anxiety is still really bad and I've had a couple of panic attacks. But it's 2020 and I follow the news. This all feels normal. I can get by - I think this is actually pretty reasonable and when the world stops being a damn nightmare 100% of the time, I'll stop having anxiety. As for our old pal, depression, well, it's still there. It's big and heavy and it sits on my chest and I feel defeated all of the time. I'm sad and it's like I don't have access to all of my emotions. Which, as a robot boy, is not unusual I guess. But I'm still cutting through the clutter with thinks like Big Brother or weird old comics. And rewatching Perry Mason, of course. I'm pretty psyched that they picked up another season, as I'm sure you can imagine.
I know none of that sounds better as such, but I've still had some progress. I think I'm through the scary part. I'm past the BoJack Horseman phase where my brain keeps telling me that I'm a piece of shit. I don't feel good, but I'm not drowning in self-loathing either and that feels like such a victory right now. And you know how I got better? Unlike last time I had problems with depression, there are people in my life who care about me. They're making my crazy podcast and checking in and inviting me to Sunday night porch sits. There's a person I can actually say "I love you" to without it being part of a bit and they've said the same to me. And over the last year, I've worked really hard to confront my trust issues and tried to accept that people do like me and they probably wouldn't bail if given the chance. So if I can let people care about me, that makes it easier to pose the counterargument when my dumb brain wants me to hate myself. I can't be that bad if these folks know me well enough and still accept me. So hit the bricks, brain.
So things are a little better right now. I'm taking a different kind of depression as serious progress.
And that's been a positive thing because it's fun and because I've wanted to tell this story for a long time. Plus, my friends are willing to do voices and it'll be a good time. My friend Summer made some beautiful art for it that I love so much - it's the lock screen on my phone now and sometimes I look at it and think that somebody I care about was inspired to make actual art by my weird premise and I feel a whole range of emotions. Sam just finished the theme song and it's perfect. These people are so damn talented and I'm lucky that they not only put up with me but are willing to lend their skills to my dream project. I've got some pretty dope friends.
More on that in bit, but first we'll cover insomnia because that's what you're here for. I've settled down into a schedule where I get a few hours every other night. I know that's not especially healthy and those nights when I don't sleep are horrible, but overall it's something I can live with. We're taking the small wins where we can get them.
Anxiety is still really bad and I've had a couple of panic attacks. But it's 2020 and I follow the news. This all feels normal. I can get by - I think this is actually pretty reasonable and when the world stops being a damn nightmare 100% of the time, I'll stop having anxiety. As for our old pal, depression, well, it's still there. It's big and heavy and it sits on my chest and I feel defeated all of the time. I'm sad and it's like I don't have access to all of my emotions. Which, as a robot boy, is not unusual I guess. But I'm still cutting through the clutter with thinks like Big Brother or weird old comics. And rewatching Perry Mason, of course. I'm pretty psyched that they picked up another season, as I'm sure you can imagine.
I know none of that sounds better as such, but I've still had some progress. I think I'm through the scary part. I'm past the BoJack Horseman phase where my brain keeps telling me that I'm a piece of shit. I don't feel good, but I'm not drowning in self-loathing either and that feels like such a victory right now. And you know how I got better? Unlike last time I had problems with depression, there are people in my life who care about me. They're making my crazy podcast and checking in and inviting me to Sunday night porch sits. There's a person I can actually say "I love you" to without it being part of a bit and they've said the same to me. And over the last year, I've worked really hard to confront my trust issues and tried to accept that people do like me and they probably wouldn't bail if given the chance. So if I can let people care about me, that makes it easier to pose the counterargument when my dumb brain wants me to hate myself. I can't be that bad if these folks know me well enough and still accept me. So hit the bricks, brain.
So things are a little better right now. I'm taking a different kind of depression as serious progress.
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